“There’s one”, “Too late; someone’s taken it”. “There’s someone
coming out now; follow them”. So you stealthily track the person
with the laden trolley; stop and nonchalantly look around you
until the trolley is unloaded into the boot of the car; watch as the
car reverses out and then; just as you are about to enter the
vacant spot; another car; which has been stopped with its driver
nonchalantly looking around; streaks into the spot you were about
to go into. This goes on and on, until in despair you let your wife
go and start the shopping (which in itself is a blessing in disguise)
whilst you slowly drive around the car park until you find a spot to
park in. A word of caution if doing this, do not wear dark glasses or you are likely to be apprehended by the Law for stalking.
Who the hell designs supermarket car parks? Bet he’s never seen
a car in his life. Bet he has a pushbike and so makes parking spots
just wide enough to park a bike in, the passenger has to get out
before you park unless you want to invoke the wrath of the owner
of the car next to you by taking off his paint with your door, not
only that it takes a fifteen point turn to get in or out because the
spots are at right-angles to each other instead of being at an
angle.
Ever bought a box of paper clips? You open the box and it takes three hours to unravel all the clips that are entangled together
before you finally separate one. It’s the same with trolleys.
There can be up to thirty all stacked together but can you just
pull the first one out on its own? Can you hell!
You can pull the first five out together, or even the first twenty
but never the first one, so you end up waiting for someone to
finish unloading theirs and politely ask them if they have finished
with it.
“ Tell me what you want, what you really really want ”. I hate
the person who decided that playing pop music in a supermarket at 120 decibels would induce me to buy anything.
Isn’t there enough noise in today’s life without having to endure
rubbish like this for an hour or more? Why can’t I be bored and
miserable in silence? And then there are the announcements
over the PA system; “Wolud vgsdh hjsdyc plaese anshdjf tdh
nsjdhfy urgetnly”. Do the employees of Asda speak a different
language to the rest of us?
It’s the middle of August, 90 degrees in the shade and you are dressed in T shirt, shorts and flip flops. You get quickly past the
fresh veg section and then what do you hit? The freezer
section!! Within nanoseconds the temperature drops 40 degrees
and immediately you start shivering.Frost bite starts attacking
your feet and you are feeling totally miserable; cursing your wife
under your breath for wanting you to bring her here, after all
didn’t you bring her three years ago, how often do you need to
shop?
The only thing that keeps you going is the sudden appearance of the outline of dozens of nipples that mysteriously appear from
nowhere.
Observation: Wife to husband: “ Whilst I go for some bananas
you go and get some lemons, they are usually packed but if
they aren’t packed you will have to get some loose ones”.
“Would you please get me half a dozen eggs and a loaf of
bread”, A fairly simple request from your wife; but have you ever
tried to buy half a dozen eggs and a loaf of bread in a
supermarket. When I was a lad, if that’s what you asked for
that’s what you got. Not today!! There’s white, brown, organic,
large, small, free range, sliced, crusty, cob, wholemeal et al.
Observation: You can always tell a child that is taken shopping to a supermarket and pushed around in the trolley. At the age of
four his reading skills consist not of “The cat sat on the mat” but
“Heinz Tomato Soup, Bero Flour, Asda own label Spaghetti"
Imagine eavesdropping on The Planning Committee sat around
a large table with a plan of the proposed new store.
Managing Director: "Ok guys, our budget is £1,500,000 to build a store and fit it out with storage racking."
Store Manager: "I need storage space for a daily turnover of £300,000."
Planner: "For that turnover you will need a storage area of 162,000 square feet, which means we would have to build a bigger building."
Managing Director: "Budget, guys."
Store Manager: "I suppose I could manage on a daily turnover of £299,999."
Managing Director: "Profit, guys."
Planner: "Lets make the aisles only just wide enough for two trolleys to pass each other, providing the trolley pushers have
a) 20/20 vision,
b) no kids with them,
c) and the shelf stackers are on their tea break.
Observation: I have a friend who is on a very tight budget, and who, having been to the beer aisle, has not much money left for
food, so he walks around the store six times, always stopping at
the sales person who is giving free food samples away to
entice you to buy something. He never feels really full,
but he'll never run out of cream crackers.
You've finally made it, you've been up and down all the aisles until you are dizzy, you have banged into a dozen other trolleys,
the loud incessant music has made you deaf, and you and your
wife aren't speaking(the only good thing that has come out of
the shopping trip), but no, you haven't made it, you have only
reached "The Check Out."
"That didn't take long love, we will be back home in time to watch Coronation Street." Two hours later and you have moved
three feet, you have celebrated another two birthdays, and you
have missed bloody Coronation Street.It's finally your turn at
"The Check Out". "Hello sir, would you like some help with your
packing?" Bet she would curse if I said, "Yes please".
Your shopping is finally loaded into your trolley and here comes the moment your wife has been dreading ever since you left home, "Please enter your PIN number madam." You can see
the numbers rolling around in her mind like the cherries on a
one armed bandit, even though it was only yesterday that we
changed all her credit card PIN numbers to the year of her birth.
Nearly there now, only the queue for The National Lottery tickets to be manoeuvred, good bit of planning that to sell Lottery tickets adjacent to the exit. The end is in sight and you can see your car, and as you
coming out now; follow them”. So you stealthily track the person
with the laden trolley; stop and nonchalantly look around you
until the trolley is unloaded into the boot of the car; watch as the
car reverses out and then; just as you are about to enter the
vacant spot; another car; which has been stopped with its driver
nonchalantly looking around; streaks into the spot you were about
to go into. This goes on and on, until in despair you let your wife
go and start the shopping (which in itself is a blessing in disguise)
whilst you slowly drive around the car park until you find a spot to
park in. A word of caution if doing this, do not wear dark glasses or you are likely to be apprehended by the Law for stalking.
Who the hell designs supermarket car parks? Bet he’s never seen
a car in his life. Bet he has a pushbike and so makes parking spots
just wide enough to park a bike in, the passenger has to get out
before you park unless you want to invoke the wrath of the owner
of the car next to you by taking off his paint with your door, not
only that it takes a fifteen point turn to get in or out because the
spots are at right-angles to each other instead of being at an
angle.
Ever bought a box of paper clips? You open the box and it takes three hours to unravel all the clips that are entangled together
before you finally separate one. It’s the same with trolleys.
There can be up to thirty all stacked together but can you just
pull the first one out on its own? Can you hell!
You can pull the first five out together, or even the first twenty
but never the first one, so you end up waiting for someone to
finish unloading theirs and politely ask them if they have finished
with it.
“ Tell me what you want, what you really really want ”. I hate
the person who decided that playing pop music in a supermarket at 120 decibels would induce me to buy anything.
Isn’t there enough noise in today’s life without having to endure
rubbish like this for an hour or more? Why can’t I be bored and
miserable in silence? And then there are the announcements
over the PA system; “Wolud vgsdh hjsdyc plaese anshdjf tdh
nsjdhfy urgetnly”. Do the employees of Asda speak a different
language to the rest of us?
It’s the middle of August, 90 degrees in the shade and you are dressed in T shirt, shorts and flip flops. You get quickly past the
fresh veg section and then what do you hit? The freezer
section!! Within nanoseconds the temperature drops 40 degrees
and immediately you start shivering.Frost bite starts attacking
your feet and you are feeling totally miserable; cursing your wife
under your breath for wanting you to bring her here, after all
didn’t you bring her three years ago, how often do you need to
shop?
The only thing that keeps you going is the sudden appearance of the outline of dozens of nipples that mysteriously appear from
nowhere.
Observation: Wife to husband: “ Whilst I go for some bananas
you go and get some lemons, they are usually packed but if
they aren’t packed you will have to get some loose ones”.
“Would you please get me half a dozen eggs and a loaf of
bread”, A fairly simple request from your wife; but have you ever
tried to buy half a dozen eggs and a loaf of bread in a
supermarket. When I was a lad, if that’s what you asked for
that’s what you got. Not today!! There’s white, brown, organic,
large, small, free range, sliced, crusty, cob, wholemeal et al.
Observation: You can always tell a child that is taken shopping to a supermarket and pushed around in the trolley. At the age of
four his reading skills consist not of “The cat sat on the mat” but
“Heinz Tomato Soup, Bero Flour, Asda own label Spaghetti"
Imagine eavesdropping on The Planning Committee sat around
a large table with a plan of the proposed new store.
Managing Director: "Ok guys, our budget is £1,500,000 to build a store and fit it out with storage racking."
Store Manager: "I need storage space for a daily turnover of £300,000."
Planner: "For that turnover you will need a storage area of 162,000 square feet, which means we would have to build a bigger building."
Managing Director: "Budget, guys."
Store Manager: "I suppose I could manage on a daily turnover of £299,999."
Managing Director: "Profit, guys."
Planner: "Lets make the aisles only just wide enough for two trolleys to pass each other, providing the trolley pushers have
a) 20/20 vision,
b) no kids with them,
c) and the shelf stackers are on their tea break.
Observation: I have a friend who is on a very tight budget, and who, having been to the beer aisle, has not much money left for
food, so he walks around the store six times, always stopping at
the sales person who is giving free food samples away to
entice you to buy something. He never feels really full,
but he'll never run out of cream crackers.
You've finally made it, you've been up and down all the aisles until you are dizzy, you have banged into a dozen other trolleys,
the loud incessant music has made you deaf, and you and your
wife aren't speaking(the only good thing that has come out of
the shopping trip), but no, you haven't made it, you have only
reached "The Check Out."
"That didn't take long love, we will be back home in time to watch Coronation Street." Two hours later and you have moved
three feet, you have celebrated another two birthdays, and you
have missed bloody Coronation Street.It's finally your turn at
"The Check Out". "Hello sir, would you like some help with your
packing?" Bet she would curse if I said, "Yes please".
Your shopping is finally loaded into your trolley and here comes the moment your wife has been dreading ever since you left home, "Please enter your PIN number madam." You can see
the numbers rolling around in her mind like the cherries on a
one armed bandit, even though it was only yesterday that we
changed all her credit card PIN numbers to the year of her birth.
Nearly there now, only the queue for The National Lottery tickets to be manoeuvred, good bit of planning that to sell Lottery tickets adjacent to the exit. The end is in sight and you can see your car, and as you
approach it you can sense a dozen pairs of eyes watching your every move.
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